This month as you move toward a new
way of life and being. We will be moving
into a promised land. This promised land
has nothing to do with destroying other people, or wiping out other
civilizations. This promised land
involves entering into the inner sanctum of the self and casting out all of the
lies and illusions that have been planted there by a society that says that you
are not good enough, you are not strong enough, you are not fast enough and so on.
We will begin to
reclaim parts of ourselves in a healthy way.
Consider the parts of your self that can serve to hinder you, or to help
the you grow and be who you really are.
Nothing in itself is evil, or harmful.
Things become evil or harmful when they are out of balance and their
power is either diminished, or excessive.
All parts of the human being--especially emotions, are there for the
reason to perfect the human soul.
In this and the
next two lessons we will explore some very powerful emotions that are often out
of balance in this world. Through
exploring them in these lessons you will learn how to channel your emotions to
strengthen yourself and to empower yourself.
They will then become a source of strength and comfort for you, instead of
a source of slow, horrible destruction.
We will begin with the emotion anger.
What does it mean to be
angry in the year 2,000? What does it
mean to be angry in a country where healthy anger is only permitted in certain
places and at certain times?
What does
it mean in a culture where one has to keep a cool and collective composure at
his or her workplace and in his or her public life, but where he or she can act
like the biggest fool in the universe in the privacy of his or her own home? What is the meaning of anger in this
culture? How can people handle anger, so
that it doesn’t get out of control?
Some past examples
of anger getting out of control were all of the random shootings that took
place at various high schools, more than really made it to the news, during the
end of our last millennium. All of the
rapes, spousal abuses, child abuse—these many incidents were and are all results of uncontrolled and
unhealthy anger.
To understand what
is meant by unhealthy anger, I think we need to understand what healthy anger
is. According to Beverly Harrison, the
well know feminist theologian, anger is a signal to the human telling him or
her that something is wrong in the relationship in which she or he is involved. If one is engaged enough in a relationship to
get angry, it proves that one is attached to that relationship and wants to see
it continue.
The Anger serves
as a warning device. The healthy reaction to the anger is to talk, relate and explore the anger together, not by
accusing each other, or by telling the angry party that he or she does not have
the right to be angry; one should communicate about the anger to find out why
it is there, where the anger is really coming from, and what is happening in
the relationship in the present that is triggering the anger.
The anger often
comes from the past. It comes from past
relationships, or scars left over from emotional injuries of the past. If someone who is close to us, or anyone, comes close to that old sore spot,
we feel threatened and endangered, especially if we do not recognize that it is
still there. We become angry and we
begin to shout or do whatever is needed, subconsciously, to keep the person
from touching our wound. It is still
raw.
At one time was
probably just a biological function of
the organism from which we evolved at one time.
It most likely gave the organism the burst of energy and bravery that it
needed to defend itself. Even then, the
organism could not remain angry for a long period of time.
If the organism remained angry throughout the
attack or defense, he/she would become careless, overtaxed and possibly get
injured. Anger was an initiator. Anger, with a cool head, often meant victory
and survival—anger out of control meant damage to oneself and unnecessary harm
to others. The effectiveness of anger
depended on how one dealt with anger.
The same, I think, is the case today.
Dealing with anger the right way can strengthen relationships and can be
a major catalyst for getting to know each other more fully. Today, however, many people don’t learn to
deal with their anger that way.
I know that many
men in our society—and I am not speaking for every man—learned to use their
anger for protection against other emotions at an early age. There are a limited range of emotions that
men are allowed to display in our society and still be considered men.
One of the underlying covert rules about
being a man is that you cannot feel sad.
You cannot cry and you cannot be afraid.
Die, before you cry.
When we are young we go
through the process of learning to substitute anger for fear or sadness. When I was young I remember thinking of
things over and over again that would make me angry whenever I was confronted
with situations that made me afraid or sad.
I could hype myself up then and face any danger. As I got older the anger came naturally. Anger became my ally when it came to making
it in this world. I knew that I could
overcome anything by getting angry.
Fortunately I was raised in a culture where I was allowed a great deal
of freedom of expression in other areas like those of joy and laughter. I was allowed to release pain and sorrows
through these avenues.
I was also
allowed to be angry loudly. I developed
several ways to handle the stress of this society.
In many cultures
in this United States, people don’t have these outlets. Many men are not allowed to be angry
loudly. They are not allowed to blow of
steam, or to even laugh loudly in public, so all of the anger builds up. Human beings can not be stoic for eight or
ten hours a day at work and then become thinking feeling human beings when they
punch a time clock. The human being does
not work that way. Everything that
occurs throughout the human beings life effects the way that he or she will be
in his or her personal life with family members. One must be a thinking, feeling human being
all of the time in order to do it well.
One must be able to experiencing a full range of emotions to be healthy,
happy and well adjusted.
That is why I
think it is so important for one to be able to stop for a moment while
experiencing anger, and then be grateful for that anger, knowing that it is a
useful signal. One should look at it as
an opportunity to talk and get deeper.
If one is feeling hurt, or fearful, one needs to search deep down and
experience those feelings, instead of covering them over with anger.
In our culture
many women have learned to handle anger the opposite way of men. Many women in our culture are allowed to be
sad, but never to be angry. A women can
cry. If she does she is a tender
creature who needs to be taken care of.
If she screams and shouts she is a wild woman who needs a straight
jacket. As a result of this many
women—not all by any means—have learned to substitute anger with sadness and
have developed the same type of explosive anger that most men exhibit.
They have become
deeply depressed as the anger that they feel toward another person, or a
situation, is turned inward. If the
anger is never expressed and only the sadness, it can lead to all kinds of self
destructive activity. The secret, once
again, is to look deep within and to find out what is there. It is to look at the anger, if that is what
one is truly feeling and to express that anger in some way to oneself, at
least, if not to anyone else.
One should express
the anger in a respectful way and then work with the friend, partner, relative,
or whomever one is angry at, in order to bring some type of resolution to the
anger. Unchecked anger leads to hatred. When one is too tired to feel angry anymore
it is easier to just build up a wall between oneself and the object of one’s
anger and hate it—put it to death.
As
one hates another, however, one hates oneself.
What we most often hate in others is often a part of ourselves that we
have abandoned in order to take on the persona that we now have. But that part of ourselves is still residing
there in the shadows of our minds.
If
we will look at the person who we hate the most it is very likely that we will
find that we hate them because they remind us of something that we have always
hated about ourselves. They remind us of
some characteristic that we got rid of a long time ago. Everytime that person opens his or her mouth
it reminds us of that part of our self again and we want to get rid of it. We hate it.
We hate part of ourselves, so we hate them and vice versus. That is why it is suggested that one embrace
one’s shadow. One accepts that person
that he or she hates and also that part of the self that he or she hates, so
that he or she can become a larger person.
The most damage that anger can do is lead one to hate.
Even if one does
not hate, however, it is impossible to have love and anger at the same
time.
One diminishes as one grows. One is temporarily halted while the other is
in full control. If one, therefor,
resides in a state of love and compassion at all times and filters one’s anger
through the filter of love, our anger becomes compassion and understanding. The anger expresses itself as the underlying
sadness and pain that is really underneath the anger. It changes into a strong, non-judgmental
identification with the person or situation that one is angry with. When this occurs the anger dissipates and no
harm is done to the inner-self. One does
not withhold one’s expression of anger and become a walking volcano when this
occurs, one expresses one’s anger by expressing one’s concern.
Anger becomes what
it originally began as, the signal—the burst of energy provided by the body to
protect oneself from injury.
Anger happens to
remind us of a break in our relationship with another person.
Anger also reminds us of a break in our
relationship with our own concept of the Divine, Love, God, Goddess, the world, whatever one upholds as being most meaningful
in one’s life—the ground of one’s being.
Sometimes we find
ourselves very busy. We get so busy that
we can not find the time to do what we feel is important in life. We find that we are running around all over
the place and doing things that we find meaningless. Our relationship with our self and with the
Divine suffers, because of this and becomes non-existent. Life begins to feel as though it is not worth
living and we begin to experience a sort of free floating anger.
We are angry all
of the time and we don’t have any reason to be.
This is because we are angry with the world. We are angry because the world does not match
up to our idea of what it is or should be.
The anger is a sign of a break in the relationship and a signal telling
us that we must take the time to deal with it.
We must take the time to look inward and see what is going on
inside. We must take the time to
reconnect with our higher ideas, the Divine, nature.
As long as we are
disconnected we will experience floating anger, when we reconnect and get our
lives back in order, underneath the anger we will most likely find sadness and
disappointment, underneath that, the fear of abandonment and underneath that, a
river of joy and peace that surpasses all understanding.
Many women will probably find the sadness
above the anger. Beneath the anger they
will find a river of joy. They have been
conditioned in a different way than men.
Anger is simply
part of the grieving process. It is a
stage that we must go through to come to a place where we let go of the hurt
and begin to live. If we reside in anger
forever and never experience the other emotions, we will never bring the grieving process to closure and
reach the spiritual place that we are destined to attain.
For the peace that
we seek can be found in self knowledge.
It can be found in acceptance of the self. How can we accept our self if we can never
really see ourselves?
When we begin to
see our self and work through all of the emotions we will find love. We will find the lover and the loved one and
we will find joy.
As the Shaolin
say: One can not find gold in sand, or
jade in stones by working haphazardly.
One works diligently with specific intention to separate the gold from
sand and the jade from stones, by shaking off the extraneous, until one is left
with only the gold, or the jade. By
shaking off the thoughts and ideas, belief system and values that we have
learned from others. By shaking off
learned maladaptive behavior through deep introspection—looking inside, the
gold and jade, the precious parts of ourselves will appear as if by magic.
When we come to a
place where we can see our true self, we will be at a place where we can
experience love and compassion for ourselves and for others, for love bends
every emotion and brings it back into proper function.
Gotta take a little time.
A little time to think things over.
Better read between the lines in case I need it when I’m
older.
Now this mountain I must climb, feels like the world upon my
shoulders.
Through the clouds I see love shine, it keeps we warm as
life grows colder.
In my life there’s been heartache and pain and I don’t know if I can face it again.
Can’t stop now I’ve traveled so far change this lonely life.
I want to know what love is.
I want you to show me. I want to
feel what love is. I know you can show
me.
Gonna take a little time.
A little time to look around me.
I’ve got no where left to hide, it looks like love has
finally found me.
In my life there’s been heartache and pain and I don’t know if I can face it again.
Can’t stop now I’ve traveled so far change this lonely life.
(2X) I want to know
what love is. I want you to show
me.
I want to feel what love is. I know you can show me.
Let’s talk about love—Love that you feel inside. I feel a love inside. A love you just can’t hide.
I want to know what
love is—Foreigner
It is only through taking
our time that we come to know what love is.
When we know love and dwell in love we can work through the anger, the
hurts, the sadness and the pain and find life.
A life that is purposeful and full of meaning. As we walk in the spirit of compassion as Warriors of Compassion, we learn the
truth and teach the truth through being and
through our way of living, not through many words. These are the only credentials that one needs
to be a great teacher. You, my friend,
are a Great Teacher, even as we
speak. Releasing that part of
yourself--the great teacher, is just a matter of entering in and reclaiming the
land.
Ronin 1
Dr. John W. Gilmore
(Om Prakash) Is a Writer, Massage Therapist and Body Worker and
Wellness Consultant. He has a B.A. in Psychology, an M. Div., and a
D. Min. in Creation Spirituality from Wisdom University. For more
writings like this one please visit our websites at:
www.dswellness.com and
www.NextStepCoaching.4t.com
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